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Friday, February 20th, 2004
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7:21 pm - Better Late than Never?
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Hello Everyone. Good news, I'm not dead. Although most of the time I feel like I am. So, growing up is hard to do. It seems like I've been drowning in problems. Take all the problems in my life 8 months before until I was born and multiply that by about 48 and that's where I am now. Money mostly.... and plus add in relationship tiffs and everything else you can probably think of.... then put that in the blender without the top and blend on high for how much longer, I'm not sure. Things with the baby are coming along well.... despite the achy and sometimes swollen feet and pains and emotional crap that go along with all of this. The baby's moving a lot. And I say "The Baby" because I don't want to find out the sex..... It's going to be a surprise!
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, August 25th, 2003
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4:40 am
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| Saturday, July 19th, 2003
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1:41 am - quiz
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| Friday, July 18th, 2003
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12:48 pm - Yay!!!
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Tomorrow we go to see Leah!!! I'm so excited! Tonight I have to work which is not going to be fun. I can already feel it.
YOU HAVE BREAST IMPLANTS!!!
what's YOUR deepest secret?
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Ricky Martin- "La Bomba"
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 12th, 2003
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2:17 am - quizzes
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| Friday, July 11th, 2003
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3:59 pm - Quizzes
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| Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
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12:45 am - Random crap
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Driving Voices Within The Insane
I sit in front of my computer, its screen grows
and it burns my eyes, alone I am and its dark,
the walls around me shake, but I'm not scared,
nor am I afraid. Shadows call me, and they join
me, in an orgy of melancholy we dwell, while
voices in my head play, I type, as fast as I
can what comes from my mind.
Darkest Betrayal
I am chained here, bound to pain
falling through this silent emptiness.
Heart so torn, and bleeding,
this desire so betrayed.
a tortured heart…dead
yet I wish for your touch so alive.
Heart For Free
Heart for free
Used only by me
Little tiny broken heart
Doomed from the start
It's much too small to be good for much
A paper weight or something of that such
I'll give it up for a good price
With a little care, I'm sure it would treat you real nice
Me? Oh I'll get by
I'll just smile on the outside
And no one will know
That I let such a beautiful thing go
I don't need a heart; I've just made up my mind
Instead I'll use a vacancy sign
Heart for free
Heart for free
Not my mind
Or my vacancy sign
current mood:  worried
current music: none
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 23rd, 2003
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2:52 pm - Daddy
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His skin hangs on him like the oversized t-shirts he wears
His arms once so big and strong appear scrawny and feeble
His hands shake while forking a small portion of food onto his plate
His moustache rises and falls with the bites he takes onto a face I don't recognize
Daddy is home again today from work.
Daddy's chemo didn't go so well last Friday.
The Daddy I remember used to laugh and joke and not lie on the floor curled over in pain.
The Daddy I remember used to want to spend time with his family and not dismiss them to a good t.v program.
"I'm sorry Daddy... next time I won't talk to you so loudly so you can hear the man on t.v. You're right, Daddy, I'm sure he has more important things to say. Daddy, forgive me, how silly of me."
"Cancer, when can you let my Daddy come back? Look what he's become because of you."
current mood:  pessimistic
current music: Bryan Adams-
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
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3:39 pm - Sickness
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Sickness
I feel as if I've died
Drowned in gushing tears
Death has a salty taste
This takes my breath away
Frozen in time
Knowing only the ache
As it runs through my body
Physical manifestation
Of mental madness
Emotional insanity
Insecurity
I think I will call it,
the sickness
The little death
Perhaps his cousin
And this is what it does to me…
Makes me tired
Eats my nerves
Keeps me awake…
Afraid to sleep
Afraid to be alone
Afraid to be with you…
Sickness has gotten me.
In my despair,
I forget to breathe
current mood:  hungry
current music: Pink
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
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1:27 pm - They'll be all up ons!
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I took some quizzes. Elizabeth, it's quite fun! :) Teri sings songs. Her latest hit is "Caribou Queen, we're wearing the same thing". Me, Teri, and Dave went to Steak N Shake last night and she's getting better about her cherry problems... this time instead of losing it, she only just dropped it instead. Me and Alfredo are gonna go see a movie Wednesday night...Probably 2 Fast 2 Furious. It looks like a good movie, I really liked the first one. He called me today and we talked for a good half hour or so. He said Ruben wanted to talk to me and then when me and Ruben ended our conversation, Alfredo was asking why I wouldn't talk to him in Spanish. I told him cuz I'm scared. I don't know what it is but I'm scared to talk to him in Spanish. I don't know why but I know eventually when I learn more, the fear should wear off. I used to be afraid to talk to anybody in Spanish... in fact in my Spanish class I used to talk all quiet and say as little as possible. I talked to this guy Carlos about it and he said that I just have to take a leap and talk... He said there'll be times when people don't understand me but that's how I'll learn. Whenever I see him, he always pushes me to talk. I first started talking to him and since then I've been talking to the busboys and dishwashers and stuff at work. I figure that if they don't understand me, it's not a big deal cuz they don't talk anything but Spanish and who really cares? Now I've expanded and I feel completely comfortable with like most of the other guys but Alfredo, and a few others... I can't... I'm just too scared yet. I'm eventually working out my fear... I used to be scared to death to talk to Efren but I have been talking to him more in Spanish and he understands so it's all good. Maybe one day I will be able to do it with Alfredo too.
I took my Spanish Oral Exam on Monday and she said I did really good. So now I registered to take the Spanish 102 Proficiency test. Hmm.. not much else to say I guess... Here are my quiz results:
I'm Rachel Green from Friends!
Take the Friends Quiz here.
created by  stomps.
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
devoted to others,especially that one
person.You really can't get them out of your
head,but then,you don't really want to.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 14th, 2003
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1:57 am - EL STEVE!
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Sidenote: The subject line "El Steve" is Teri's version of "I have to sneeze". I told her I had to sneeze and that's what she thought I said. Okay, maybe you had to be there..
People at George's are idiots. The only way things could have been worse is if Sasha was there I think. Lol... Teri and Tricia got into a fight. I could've squashed Tricia. She always takes things too seriously and she doesn't understand Teri's sense of humor at all. In fact I think nobody does except for Christina. I'm so sick of people being two-faced, pretending to be your friend to your face and then as soon as you turn around they say shit about you. It really pisses me off. Honestly, if I'm pissed at you, I'm going to go about doing my business without talking to you and wait for my anger to blow over. And if you ask me about it, I'm going to tell you why I'm angry with you (with exception of Sasha cuz things would just be worse if I told her). Teri will just flat out say how she feels which I admire. It gets her in trouble but I admire it and if I had the ability to do that, that'll be the way I would go. No but really, I don't go around and talk to you and be all friendly and then turn around and say shit behind your back like the rest of the people at Georges do. (Good morning George, how are you? I hope you're feeling fine hehe) And in fact the only person I will even complain to is Teri cuz she understands.. I don't go around saying shit about people generally Cuz I would just get myself into trouble or be misunderstood or something (Stupid Matt). Lol..
I talked to Teri about Alfredo. What she said really helped me. Both the good stuff and the bad stuff. She was afraid of offending me with what she had to say but I told her it doesn't bother me. She is my friend and she will come right out and tell me what she thinks.. I think that is one reason why I like her so much. I don't have to deal with all the crap I was explaining in the ^above^ paragraph. Plus she's just so darn cute! And I like her misunderstood sense of humor even if she says "mean things about me" <--says Sasha. :)
I think I'm gonna go sit outside for a bit.. maybe write some stuff.
current mood:  good
current music: Jewel- "Fragile Heart"
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| Friday, June 13th, 2003
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2:51 am - So be careful warning fragile heart
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So much has happened and I have so few words to express it in. Most of everything happened on Wednesday. I went to college to take a Spanish proficiency test in the morning. I got there around 8:00. I started on my test which personally I thought was quite simple. Like 10 minutes from being done, I get a call on my phone. I looked and it was Alfredo. I silenced the phone and tried to concentrate on the test cuz the sooner I finished the sooner I'd be able to call him back. Well, he called again right after that and once more after that time too. Then my phone beeped indicating I had a voice message. He has never left me a voice message ever before. I finish my test (which I was very satisfied with) and proceeded to listen to my VM. It was him asking me if I could call him back because he has a problem. Instantly I thought of a million and one things that could be wrong... he could be in jail, he could be going back to Mexico, he could be sick and needs to go to the hospital... I call him back and ask him if he's ok. He asked me to go out with him tonight to see a movie and he said we can talk about his problem then. It ended up where he came to my house too late to see a movie. We went to Walmart in Morris and played in the store. Then we came back to my house. He kissed me. I didn't know if he wanted that to happen or not so I ignored it. He kissed me again.. I kissed him.. We talked for awhile about things between us. To make a long story short and to keep this rated PG, Me and Alfredo are back together. We talked some more about things and we both decided things would be better this time around if we didn't tell anyone (meaning anyone who has ties to the restaurant). People there will think nothing about gossipping behind a person's back. It is honestly more horrible there than in high school. It is sad. And it's all middle-aged women mostly. I helped him with his problem that he had. I felt really bad for him. He's under a lot of stress and with working 2 Full-time jobs he hardly has time to sleep not to mention relax. When he left my house early Thursday morning, I felt sad. I stood by the door and watched him pull out of my driveway and drive down to the corner. It wasn't a normal type of sad though.... it was almost a sad like my heart was sad. I don't know if it was a sad just cuz he was leaving and I missed him or something else.
After I told her we got back together, Teri asked me if it was a good thing or a bad thing. And honesly I couldn't give a good answer. I said good because that's how I felt at the time. She mentioned about how I seem to always get hurt. Which is true. I thought about that some more. I know for a fact that I will get hurt again in this whole situation but I chose the better of 2 evils and chose to be happy with Alfredo now. But my question, if I knowingly will get hurt in this situation, why did I pick the relationship when he asked me if this is what I wanted?? Do I create my own pain?????? Do I make my own problems?? Without hesitation I can tell you I love him. When did love stop being the fix-all bandaid for the world? I love him so much but when did love stop being enough?
"If you want my heart, you have to promise not to tear it apart. Cuz my heart has been hurt a lot and it always seems love is not sweet, like in dreams"
By the way, the Foreign Language Department head called me today saying I did really good on my Spanish test. Now I have to go down Monday to take the oral part of the test.
current mood:  tired
current music: Jewel- "Fragile Heart"
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| Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
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2:23 am - "Come what may"
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I don't really know what to say. So much has been happening lately I would have enough to sit here for an hour and just fill up this journal... but I can't. My thoughts just keep whizzing by in my head.. every time I try to grab on to one to make sense of it another one distracts me. I end up with all these half-understood thought-fragments that when put all together make no sense and perfect sense at the exact same time. The only thing I can conclude with certainty is that I love him. Everything else is chaos. He called me today. It was hard talking to him. Everytime I've picked up the pieces of my heart again off the floor and super-glued them together, he calls me or he kisses me or he comes over to my house and reminds me again how much I care for him and my heart falls again. It is torture. What we talked about on the phone today I will update in another post if I feel the need to.. I just don't feel like talking about it now.
It was Teri's birthday today. Me, Teri, Elizabeth, and Dave all went to see Bruce Almighty and to LoneStar. It was nice but I just really wasn't able to have fun tonight. David made me a copy of Adobe Photoshop which I am grateful for.
Watched Moulin Rouge earlier today...
"I hope you don't mind, Hope you don't mind that I put into words, how wonderful life is now that you're in the world"
"Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I Love You, until the end of time"
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to Love, and be Loved in return."
"My heart aches completely every hour every day. And only when I am with you does the pain go away."
"This story is about Truth, Beauty, Freedom; but above all things, this story is about LOVE."
"Whatever happened, we leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on...Does anybody know what we are living for?"
current mood: lonely
current music: Jewel- "Intuition"
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 7th, 2003
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4:14 am - Forgot!
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Oh! I forgot to mention me and Elizabeth drew tonight! It was coolness on a stick... hmm... that sounds like it could be a popcicle...
current mood:  silly
current music: none
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3:41 am - Soombaa
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Despite my bad mood earlier in the day, work wasn't bad at all. I didn't want to be around people at all but somehow Teri made it all better. I had no spiteful feelings towards Teri or any of the Mexicans... funny how that works. All the other Americans I was ready to kill. I'm really looking forward to Mexico. The busboy Ruben shoved ice down my shirt. He just dropped two... then the third time he took this big block of ice and like tucked it down under my breast in my bra. (sidenote: If a bra is a upper topper titty flopper stopper and a jockstrap is a lower decker pecker checker and toilet paper is a super duper doody pooper scooper, what do you call a Japanese drummer whose father has diarrhea? answer later on) So anyways where was I? OH.. bra... yes... well, that was the end of that story I guess, I forgot where I was going. :::Hayley voice::: "I think my daddy's gone c*R*a*Z*y" Teri burned an Eminem cd for me. Oh! I remember now! The ice was cold.. yeah.. and I felt stupid and I had to dig it out of my bra. I really don't know how he got it in there so easily. He wants to buy an accordian to play and sing me a song. I think he likes me. :) I just read Leah's post and I like boys' attention too... with no real interest in anything happening... and it sucks cuz I know I'm leading him on and stuff.. but ... damn it! Lost my train of thought again.... "Drops of Jupiter in her ::mumblemumble:: Now tell me did the wind... ::mumblemumble:: Yeah yeah yeahyeahyeahyeah... " Train sings that song and so does Luz<~~(Mexican girl) at work and so do me and Teri when we are at work with Luz<~~(not mad at her cuz she's Mexican and Mexicans are cool). Oh.. its fun. That's why I lead boys on. Yes.. Soombaa means the rubbing of navels together. It was on this show entitled Cram that I watched with Teri. It's a fun show. Oh yeah so after work I hung out with Teri and we played Mario Party with Elizabeth and it was fun and we watched t.v and she burned me a cd. I told Teri today at work that I miss Leah and Sarah... I would like to hang out with them with Teri. It could be fun. S*a*R*a*H !!!! L*e*A*h !!!! I love you guys! I just like those star thingys... It looks cool.
Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy Pappy. Hehe.. :)
current mood:  giggly
current music: none
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| Friday, June 6th, 2003
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2:59 pm - Memory seep from my veins
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"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For a break that will make it okay
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh.. beautiful release
Memory seep from my veins
that may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"
Alfredo called me Wednesday morning saying he wouldn't be able to come over. He had problems with his family in Mexico that he had to call and do other stuff or something like that.
I called him Thursday night to see if everything was okay and he said it was and he took care of everything. He mentioned about maybe being able to do something next Wednesday. But he doesn't know whether or not he can.... he will call me if he can. I've cleared my schedule for him too many times I think. And most of the times he isn't even able to do anything because "something" comes up.
I wouldn't call it walking away. But I'm not going to put my life on hold anymore. (Or so I say now...)
Went to Six Flags yesterday. It was fun. Went on the SuperMan and it was pretty awesome. My favorite ride is still the Batman followed closely by the Raging Bull.
I scheduled the date for my Spanish proficiency test. It's next Wednesday. I'm nervous. I will have to study.
Have to work tonight. I'm not in the mood for dealing with people. I just want to go into my bedroom with my spanish books and stay there. Truth is, I don't want to talk to anybody.. ..
current mood: morose
current music: Grupo Limite- "Ay Papacito!"
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| Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
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2:31 am - Give me the Beach Boys...
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Work was fun today. I worked with Teri... (of course! why else would it be fun?!?) And guess what, good news! Teri didn't lose her cherry today. I think it was mainly cuz she lost it the other night. hehe.... (She was making a shake and .. yeah..) Me and Teri kept messin' with each other and lots of fun was had. Even if "Teri said some pretty mean things"-according to Jelly Folder. After work we went back to her house and watched Friends. I'm so glad Teri's home. It's good to hang out with her again. On the way home, we were talking about Uncle Kracker's song "Drift Away". I couldn't remember the name of it and I simply referred to it as "you know... the Beach Boys song". This confuzzled Teri and she said something like "Uncle Kracker sang a Beach boys song?" I started singing it to clarify. To make a long story short, we were both wrong on the lyrics... me with "Beach boys" and Teri with mumbling something when that part of the song came (hehe Teri). So Teri looked up the lyrics and discovered that it is "Give me the Beat, Boys and free my soul..". Interesting, huh?
At Teri's house today, I discussed some of my art problems with Elizabeth and she said she will try to help me. I just can't seem to add dimension to faces. I've been trying to draw a lot lately when I have time and I've been having trouble. But I feel a lot better now. :)
Alfredo called me this morning. He asked me if I wanted to hang out Wednesday night. Of course I gave him shit and pretended to have to think about it. I did this even when we were dating. It just made him laugh. He told me to call me around 9:00 Wednesday night so I can tell him that I want to see him. :) Time just flew by on the phone.... It just felt like we haven't talked forever. I looked up at my alarm clock and realized that I was cutting into his sleeping time so we hung up. I feel like I'm in high school again and I have a crush on the kid that sits in front of me in Math. Not that I had a crush on boy who sat in front of me in math.. but you know what I mean..
::::::We interrupt scheduled broadcasting of Becky's Live Journal to bring you a public announcement...... ~Everybody Plus TERI Loves Raymond.~ We now continue our original broadcasting:::::::::
Me and Sasha kinda sorta have plans to go to Great America or Breakfast tomorrow. Originally it was Great America but then it was supposed to rain so the plan was just to go out to breakfast and then save Great America for another day. Somehow "another day" is Thursday but then she's thinking about changing it again to Wednesday so I dunno what's going on. I told her I want to leave like around 7:00 cuz I don't want to have to drive back in the dark cuz it's hard and confusing and last time I went I ended up in Chicago with no fucking clue how I got there so I don't want the same thing to happen again. Plus now Wednesday night, I gots plans baby! We'll see what happens.
current mood: giggly
current music: Ben E. King- "Stand by Me"
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| Monday, June 2nd, 2003
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3:05 pm - Shake my Steak
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Well, I haven't updated in a while. I've been kinda busy working lately. Today I get a day off!
Last night I was scheduled to work 5-9. I showed up at work and guess who I saw!! TERI! She was dressed in green and behind the counter. Teri's back working at Georges with me. Linda's even being pretty cool about scheduling me and Teri together and she gave us a day off together. If she keeps this up, me and Teri might actually have a fun summer. Last time Teri was working at Georges, like every day I used to work, Teri was off and vice-versa. It was insane.
Last night after work, me and Teri went to Steak & Shake. I was soooooooo hungry. We ate food and then we ordered dessert. We both got a brownie sundae with extra whipped cream and extra hot fudge. It was sooo good. While we were eating, Teri just happened to start to mention that she lost her.... cherry. She stopped though mid-sentence but it was already too late. I laughed. :)
After Steak & Shake, we went back to her house and started to watch some of 8 Mile. Teri got tired so she brought me home with promises to continue the movie at another time. Tivo is a wonderful thing. So far, 8 Mile is a really good movie. The only problem I have with the movie is that the girls are all such sluts but I guess that's true to life so it ain't that bad to have it in the movie. It really bothered me seeing the girls behaving the way they were. And normally, seeing a sex scene in a movie wouldn't bother me either but yesterday things were different. I thought about it after Teri brought me home. I think it's just cuz my attitudes towards all of those quoted "bad things" in my life have changed. I have been really trying to get my life back into order and have almost taken a "vow" to not get too caught up into bad things again. Goody 2 goody goody 2 shoes, don't drink don't smoke.. :) And I don't partake in long steamy make-out sessions anymore with anyone. I don't know exactly why my views have all changed. I guess I just realized that I wasn't happy doing all these things I was doing. Part of it is Alfredo (Teri doesn't like "Elfego" so now he is "Alfredo"). He always told me that all of that stuff is bad and one day I'm gonna wake up in the hospital like he did if I kept going the way I was going. I wouldn't say I changed for him because at the time I wasn't with him and was all set in trying to get over him. I made the vow for ME in attempts of being happy and turning my life around. Since then, I have been looking at life differently. I have been handling all of my problems a lot better. I have started to belief the saying "God never gives us more than we can handle". Instead of feeling overwhelmed with my Dad's cancer, my Mom's emphysema, our family's financial problems, my indecision of what I want to do with my future and feeling like I will be stuck in Lockport forever.... I have been trying to embrace all of this and other problems that I don't feel comfortable mentioning here and realizing that "everything happens for a reason" as Teri said last night at Steak & Shake. Same thing with everything that I have been through in the past with all of my problems with bad things. I don't feel ashamed of anything I have done or been through. It has all lead me to the place in my life that I am at now. And currently I think I'm doing okay. :) In almost all aspects of my life I am happy. The only thing I feel I am missing is Alfredo. But I don't need him for me to be able to survive. It's just that he adds an extra something to my life that isn't there when he isn't by my side... But enough of that. :) He knows how I feel, I told him. I'm going to give him his space and in the meantime, find myself again.
I'm going to dye my hair again but not to a different shade of blonde like before. I'm going to be a more wholesome brunette. It is true that blondes have more fun. I have stories that can prove that. :) But the kind of fun I had before is not the same kind of fun I'm looking for now.
I don't really have too much planned for today. Tonight I may go over to Teri's house to finish 8 mile and hang out for awhile. I'm glad Teri's home.
current mood: pleased
current music: none
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| Thursday, May 29th, 2003
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10:12 pm - Boy oh boy!
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:::::Jumps up and down::::: !!!!!!!!!! I'm walking around with an incredibly dumb smile on my face that I just can't seem to get rid of. :) :) :) :)
So today is Thursday and Ruben never came over.... BUT:
Elfego called me on the phone around 3:30. We talked for a few minutes and he asked me where I was. I told him outside. And he said "I don't think so.. because I don't see you." He was sitting in my driveway! We talked for a long time about different things, and most importantly about us. We both admitted basically that we're both still very much in love with each other. He said that now isn't really a good time because of the things that are going on in his life. We're going to keep things light and simple between us for now and see what happens later on. Then we went to some place in Joliet so he could send money to his family in Mexico. By this time he was already an hour late for work. He told me that work wasn't as important as what he was doing. (He said this as we were driving to the park.. he said it with a smile on his face.) He dropped me back off at home and I gave him a kiss on his cheek. He said he'd like to see me a day next week too. :)
We aren't together... but this is as closest to complete I've felt in a long time. My heart feels content. :)
I talked to Teri today on the phone. She ended up telling me she was going to let me go cuz she said she wasn't too exciting. She was talking about her computer that she wants to buy. I didn't mind at all.... It was comforting to hear her voice, even if it was rambling about nonsense on her computer. I miss her very much but she's home so that should come to an end soon. :)
Today was a happy day.
current mood: indescribable
current music: Shania Twain- "Forever and For Always"
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12:24 am - Tornado
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Today we had a tornado warning. It was kinda scary. I was getting ready for work, taking a shower actually, when the sirens went off. Me, my brother, my mom, and Daisy (our dog) all piled into the hallway. After everything was clear, I went to work. It was a pretty slow day. I made awesome tips though.. I made $5.00 off almost every table. It was great. Efren explained some things in Spanish I never quite understood before. I'm still confused on one thing, but I'm gonna reference my many books first before asking more questions. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to unconfuse myself. Hey, it's a possibility, don't laugh!!
Tomorrow I don't have to work!! Yay! Anxiously awaiting concert updates, girls! So Teri and Leah, hurry up and get on that! Lol...
current mood: happy
current music: none.... Spanish t.v
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beckyboo327's journal
